Poop Terminology

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a pee at the urinal or forcing poo in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when you speed past a hidden police car. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it – pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE): When forcing a poo, several farts slip out simulating the sound of a machine gun. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: The seconds leading up to what you know is going to be a loud, powerful explosion from your anus. There is someone else in the bathroom and you try to hold it in for as long as possible, but time is running out. You start praying that they leave. This situation often occurs due to the presence of an UNCLE TED and is so bad that even a COURTESY FLUSH and/or CAMO-COUGH will not help. As with a JAILBREAK, if you reach liftoff do not leave the stall until the bathroom is empty.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poo log hits the water and the poo is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom, as well as covering up the accompanying farting sounds. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink then to the door after you have just stunk up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A remotely located bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooer who does not realize that you’re in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE
.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in, check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

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